I sit here at the keyboard, fingers ready to strike the keys, not wanting to rehash this topic. Yet, apparently there is more to the story that needs to be told. More that I need to face. More that I need to turn over to God. More healing to be had.
The feelings of being unwanted affected many decisions I made throughout my adult life. For many years I was on a self-destructive path. Self-addictions and personal abuse dominated my life. There was such a void within me that I tried desperately to fill, yet telling myself of my unworthiness every step of the way.
Oh, I believed there was a God. I even knew a little bit about Him. So I thought. But, ultimately I believed that He wouldn't want such a damaged person as me. There was no possible way I could ever be good enough for Him. Honestly, I had no idea how to even approach God. So, I continued to live with the mind set that, "I'm not committing any crimes so I'm ok." I was self-sufficient, providing for my family, myself. Yet, I knew I still lacked something.
It took God a long time to break through the fortress I had built up around myself. There were times I was comfortable in my little walled in world. I didn't want to or couldn't believe that my past didn't matter. That the hurt could be healed.
With Jesus, the hurt can be healed. It's a long journey with many bends and potholes, because I resist. But God gently leads me every step of the way.
One day, there will be no more pain or hurt or sorrow or tears. Praise to Him today, This Day for His patience and love.
Peace and Joy,